Engage. Detach.

coping with people misbehaving

I was in Florida recently, looking out over a shallow pond to an island nature preserve, taking in a splendid dose of peace. Three white egrets rested on a pine branch, tail feathers bent in the gentle breeze. The swamp cedars, once dead-looking among the sparse pine trees, were just beginning to show hints of green. Visible from the back deck where I was staying were tens of cormorants, a half dozen pelicans, and a long-legged ibis poking in the grass. Moorhens dabbled along the water edge where stood a great blue heron overseeing its domain.

A serene and diverse population, everyone getting along. It was the kind of happy place I would picture if someone were to say, “Close your eyes, take a deep breath and go to your happy place.” And then they might continue:

“Now stay in that happy place and imagine the person who is causing you much anger and anxiety, standing right there by the water. Now shrink that person down. Make them as small as a fence post. Now just the height of marsh grass. Smaller, smaller, watch them disappear from sight. All the emotional chaos they bring to your life is just a little whirlwind spinning in the grass, like a little bug.” 

At this point, I imagine the white ibis of my happy place plucking this critter in its long curved bill. SNAP.

I’m thinking here of the one young relative with a self-absorbed and righteous bent, who, in an unprovoked email, attacks an elder’s character with inexplicable cruelty. The entire extended family talks amongst itself for weeks about the breach of etiquette. How does anyone figure out what his trouble is while not adding to the emotional turbulence he’s already caused?

Or the one guy in the workplace – you might know him – who seems to get away with anything. He is a borderline racist, daring anyone to call him out. He slips the leash of accountability at every turn, leaving the rest of the team to mend injured vendor relationships, cover for his sudden, unscheduled absences, and pick up his seemingly endless supply of slack.

Do I engage? I consider a range of possible actions, but even the thought makes my heart race.

Do I let it go? “Forgive and forget.” “Well, wuddya gonna do?” This feels like rolling over, but I’m not as anxious.

I go back and forth. 

I value harmony. But some trauma (individual, familial, societal) doesn’t stay under the rug where we sweep it. 

I value justice. But a daily diet of shock, outrage, and indignation can distort the presence of mind needed to identify the best next step… to guide the conversation with the youngster, to deliver feedback to the colleague, to resist the regime.

As in many things, some combination might serve me best: 

Engage. Take in the news of the day, Stay alert enough to know what’s going on. 

Detach. Stop scrolling. Unplug. Watch the birds. In this state – not in agitation or fear – it becomes much easier to know where and how to make a difference.

Engage. Detach. Repeat.

Sounds simple, but it’s difficult when the chaos is being generated by tiny, unwell yet powerful men hogging a disproportionate percentage of the world’s attention, and leaving fear, turmoil and immiseration in the wake of their political tantrums.

Maybe my best bet is to find peace where I can, just to regain my footing. Visit my mental happy place when needed, or when I can.

Still, given this recent infestation of misbehaving bugs, I’ll need more ibis. There are several collective nouns to choose from. A congregation of ibis?

Maybe a convoy...