Can I give you some feedback?
notes on the hazards of giving notes
Part of my management consulting portfolio, back in the day, was designing and facilitating leadership development workshops. One of the topics had some version of this title: Giving Constructive Feedback. The act of giving someone information about how they might improve is often fraught. How will they take it? Will they get offended? Should I first say something positive to soften the blow? And the inevitable Maybe I should just wait and see if they improve?
“An integral part of professional development, giving constructive feedback is a skill that every good leader ought to have,” would be a really great topic sentence for my next paragraph. Except I came across a piece I wrote maybe twenty years ago during a dark period which begins:
I have stopped teaching people how to give constructive feedback. I am a leadership trainer and coach; I have taught feedback since the 1980s. No more. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t work because “it” is all technique. And effective feedback is not about the strength of the technique. It’s about the strength of the relationship between two people.
So I want to share some notes I have made since then about why it can be difficult to give someone a “constructive critique,” or even to hint that you have an issue with something they are doing or saying.
I imagine that everyone carries around a little mental notepad. As they go through life, each person writes down how they see themselves. Over time I have collected a substantial list of my characteristics and qualities. It is a mix of positive attributes and other stuff that I need to “work on” to get better at. You get the idea.
One item on my list is “I take feedback as an opportunity to learn and grow” and this applies to my work life, social life and married life.
You can imagine my surprise when, in a conversation with someone, I make an astute observation and this person responds with an eye roll and the comment “OMG, that is such a Boomer thing to say!”
So I said “I believe feedback is an opportunity to learn and grow. Tell me more about why you said that.” Totally kidding. I would never say that. My first response is to go through a mental checklist in my head:
Pull out my mental notebook
Search for any notes about weaknesses related to being a Boomer
Conclude that there are no data on such weaknesses
Snap the notebook shut like one of those old flip phones.
The next reaction is said out loud: “Alright, TikTok” or “Noted, Algorithm” or That’s an interesting critique – for someone raised by Wi-Fi.”” Or something equally dismissive.
So that’s part of the problem. I like adding to the list in my notebook. I mostly don’t like other people adding to it.
I remember introducing the topic of feedback to a small group of young non-profit leaders. I opened the topic in a fairly conventional way by first asking everyone to think about a time they got constructive feedback from someone. Several in the group had puzzled looks. I’ll never forget what one of them said:
“I seriously can not think of any example of getting negative feedback.”
I probed: Ever? It doesn’t have to be work related. Friends? Family? Doesn’t have to be a major takedown. Anything?
Nothing. Now, it could have been they didn’t want to share. Or they didn’t want to admit to any specific failing.
But I think it’s more likely that they have not ever been corrected or critiqued in any way that they remember. I would not be surprised to find out that the workplace today is awash with a generation of workers who have never been told that anything they’ve ever done was anything other than perfectly executed and worthy of high praise.
And no wonder. Giving feedback to a friend, a peer, a colleague, a staff member seems to be universally difficult. It is like traversing a personal and emotional minefield.
I regularly read Carolyn Hax, an astute and honest broker of personal advice whose column appears in the Washington Post — at least as of this writing. Yesterday (Feb 4), the Post suddenly downsized its staff, eliminating sports, local news, book reviews– and probably the weather. In a recent column (Feb 1, 2026: Can their marriage be dying of…pickleball?) the writer asks Carolyn Hax for advice about her attempts to talk to husband about the obsessive amount of time he devotes to his new pastime:
“Every time I bring up that the pickleball and family time balance is just really off, he takes offense, gets angry and accuses me of trying to tell him to stop doing something he loves.”
She tried to open a dialogue. His reaction? Anger, defensiveness, accusation (You’re the one with the problem!) Classic male deflection, some might say.
Well, that’s one approach. This technique is in the news nearly every day. If I don’t like the media telling me I lie all the time, I say the media lies and I promise vengeance. Practice anything long enough and you get pretty good at it.
I go back to my mental notebook. I see feedback as an indispensable tool for growth and development. It offers the opportunity for course-correction. It helps us avoid making the same mistake over and over. It shines light on personal blind spots. Wouldn’t it be best if I developed the ability to receive feedback in as many different forms and different ways as possible? Think what could be learned!
Sasha Chapin in one of his notes has this to say about difficult conversations:
The most important thing about contentious communication is that things will go much better if you can communicate with genuine openness to whatever comes back at you.
Genuine openness. Saying “Tell me more.” That sounds like something I could get good at.
I will end on a light note — by far my favorite quote about giving constructive feedback.
“Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.”
Always good to have a back-up plan.
Stew, once again you bring a smile to my face. From one boomer to another, it is hard to deliver constructive critique and how one approaches it is critical. I'll never forget the morning many years ago when I came downstairs ready to go to work. Ann took one look at my outfit and said "Well, that's an interesting tie to wear with that suit". Back upstairs I went.
My manager (whom I admire and respect) is working toward a process for providing constructive feedback as a team. Given my tendency to take everything too personally, I wonder how this is going to go. A few years ago, my results on an emotional maturity assessment were what I'd call dismal, as though I was as far from it as the person who just left with my shoes. The VP of People did his best to talk me through the data with objectivity and a positive take, but internally, I was wounded. I felt defensive, to the point of questioning the validity of the assessment. I think we missed the point.
I do like the "tell me more" approach!